BEWARE....BLOG is LONG and Whiny. haha. This week has been weird. I have had some things come up in my mind that have caused me to have a bad attitude towards myself and my life. I have to stop and praise God right now cause I have not found myself feeling like this for a LONG time about life and myself....but this week it a bit of a catch up. I have had some great friend times this week and some great rest and sleep....but being at my job this week....sitting here at this desk is ROUGH. Today is especially hard when 3 of my closest girlfriends are flying off to the beach as I type. They arrive in about 15 minutes to spend a week in Myrtle Beach. They will just be hanging out.......reading....swimming......and sleeping. Sounds like just what I need. Totally what I need. I am not jealous (which is good) cuz I want them to have the BEST time....I just want to be with them. I have some very cool things coming up this weekend through next week....so I will have a great week too.....I would just like to be there. This has been a mental battle week.....so that is why escaping to the beach would be great. I am struggling with my weight, my choices, my job, my self-view, registering for school, my future, having enough time to do things I need to, balancing time to do things and time to rest. These are just SOME of the things going through my mind this week. And I hate to say that I am depressed or have anyone feel like they have to call me to work this stuff out with me....cause it wouldnt help. These are issues God and I have to work out. They are things that God has to heal in me. They are things that I have to step out in Faith to work out. So if anyone even reads this anymore....the best you can do for me is pray. Pray for God to guide and heal and for me to DO what I need to do.

The truth is......I wish I wouldve finished school a long time ago and I am so disappointed in myself. I am too smart to work at this job but I feel so unmotivated to go back to school cause this job is mentally exhausting and the thought of homeowork and going to class and writing papers is more then I feel like I can handle. I am celebrating 10 years at my job this month....and it hurts like disappointment. That is what all this is about. 10 years here. I am reflecting and figuring out what is next. There is a bright side to 10 years at the same place with good benefits and paid days off and security and all that I have been able to do with traveling and stuff.....but I see it as a reminder that I didnt know what I wanted to be "when I grew up" until last summer....and I hate that is has taken me so long and now I am here for 10 years and to sum it up and sign off......my feelings are hurt. :) haha. Yep, that is it. And that is causing me to doubt and question everything else.

Yucky blog. But it is my truth today. Jesus HELP me. I want all the accomplishment and I want to do NONE of the work. That is the American way....and I am whining. :) I know, I know.....never gonna happen. So Lord give me strength and a brighter attitude. Or just take me HOME to be with you. :)